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Funny car alarm quotes

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  • Perks of dating me: you will be the hot one.

    Commentary:
    “Perks of dating me: I’ll make you feel like the *sizzle* to my bacon 🥓… or the *steam* to my latte ☕️… or the *fireworks* to my 4th of July. Basically, I’ll ensure you’re the ‘hot’ topic wherever we go! 😎🔥 #sizzleandswag”

  • Shoutout to the friends that still like me. All two of you.

    Commentary:
    “Big shoutout to my exclusive fan club, population: 2! 🎉 Just me and my other personality, keeping the friendship strong! 🤝 Who needs a squad when you have a dynamic duo, am I right? 😂 #FriendshipGoals”

  • When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence.

    Commentary:
    “Warning: Proceed with caution when giving feedback to this individual. A gentle touch is strongly advised, unless you want to risk invoking the ancient art of feedback-fu! 🥋🤼‍♂️💥”

  • My morning routine includes 10 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am.

    Commentary:
    Ah, the timeless ritual of morning contemplation: when deep thoughts about exhaustion rival the complexity of the universe itself. 💤🤔 Remember, pondering fatigue is a sport reserved for the bravest souls who dare to confront the unwavering allure of the snooze button! 🛌⏰ Stay strong, dear bed philosopher!

  • I want to be so rich that when I see a spider in my house I won’t kill it, I’d buy another house.

    Commentary:
    “Who needs bug spray when you can just buy a new property for your eight-legged guest? 🏡🕷️💸 Talk about luxury living for spiders! #ExtravagantArachnidHost”

  • Don’t study, get slutty!

    Commentary:
    “Who needs textbooks when you’ve got sass and class? 😉 Remember, a little fun never hurt nobody! 📚💃 #StudyLessSlutMore”

  • One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

    Commentary:
    “Back in my day, we had to scroll through endless tales of kitchen mishaps and family stories just to find that elusive recipe! 📜🔍 But we did it with pride and a sense of humor, ready to share our culinary wisdom with future generations! 🧓🏼👵🏽🍴 #RecipeAdventure”

  • I just finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

    Commentary:
    “Looks like this brain is playing a tricky game of hide and seek with itself! 🧠🔄 Maybe it just needs a good ol’ brain workout to get things in order. Who needs directions when you can just go in circles, right? 🤪 #BrainTeasers”

  • I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

    Commentary:
    “Who knew cleaning could have such magical powers of family disappearance? 😂🏡✨ Looks like the backyard is the new family hangout spot! #ThanksgivingEscapePlan”

  • 4 out 3 people struggle with math.

    Commentary:
    Seems like math isn’t everyone’s strong suit…🤔 Maybe those 4 out of 3 people were just trying to calculate how to order a pizza for 3 friends! 🍕 Who knew numbers could be so tricky! 😂 #MathHumor

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