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150 Funny expectations quotes

75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

3 months ago

In my 20’s: I want to find true love. In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

3 months ago

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

3 months ago

Women always want to marry intelligent men. What they don’t know: Intelligent men don’t want to marry.

3 months ago

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable.

3 months ago

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons and a big check.

3 months ago

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

3 months ago

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

3 months ago

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day.

3 months ago

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

3 months ago

Why do I gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship.

3 months ago

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

3 months ago

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

3 months ago

I applied for a job and got it, and now I really have to go there. Crap!

3 months ago

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

3 months ago

When my husband says he’ll just be a minute, I know I have enough time to watch an entire television series, paint the house, or go on a quest.

3 months ago

I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

3 months ago

Breakups are hard, but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered?

3 months ago

As you get older, nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. Like, I don’t know what to tell you, dude, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations.

3 months ago

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for.

3 months ago