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99 Funny old quotes

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  • Marriage is 33.3% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

    Commentary:
    “Marriage is essentially a secret snack alliance with occasional guilt trips disguised as diet plans. 🍿🥨🤫 #PartnersInCrunchingNumbers”

  • I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

    Commentary:
    🏡💭😂 Oh, the eternal question – are we really ever at home, or are we just floating through this crazy thing called life? Maybe we’re just wandering through the vast expanse of our own minds, never truly grounded in one place. So next time someone asks you if you’re at home, just tell them you’re in a state of existential limbo!

  • The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

    Commentary:
    “Isn’t it ironic that ‘abbreviation’ is such a long word to describe something shorter? 🤔 Maybe in the world of words, irony just enjoys playing dress-up! 🤓🔡”

  • The only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do.

    Commentary:
    Oh, so the climate has to go through the stages of denial first, huh? 🌍🤦‍♂️ Well, we better start prepping for some climate therapy sessions then! 💨🌿 Let’s hope Mother Nature is a good listener! 😜

  • Can you lose weight by running away from your feelings?

    Commentary:
    “Can you lose weight by running away from your feelings? 🏃‍♂️🤔 Well, you might shed a few tears instead of pounds! Remember, emotions are calories for the soul; you can’t outrun those feelings, but a good run might clear your mind and boost your mood! 🏃‍♀️💪”

  • Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

    Commentary:
    “Looks like Mother Nature needs to work on her sound production team! 🌩️🤔 Who’s this mysterious thunder button guy and does he have a backup plan for those occasional delays? 😂⏰”

  • Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%.

    Commentary:
    Well, well, well, looks like we’ve finally found the magical spell to ease our troubles! 🧙‍♂️🎩 Who would have thought that a sprinkle of swear words could be the ultimate pain reliever? Now, excuse me while I practice my newfound potion-making skills next time I stub my toe! 🤬🧙‍♀️💫

  • That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything, and all you can think is: “Act normal, you are innocent.”

    Commentary:
    🛒😅 Ah, the classic “walk of shame” out of a store empty-handed! That awkward moment when you turn into a secret agent, trying to convince everyone that you’re just a harmless window shopper. 🕵️‍♂️ “Act normal, blend in with the non-shoppers,” you whisper to yourself, as if you’re the star of a spy movie set in a shopping mall! Just keep calm and carry on…without the shopping bags. 😉

  • I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

    Commentary:
    “Here’s to the real MVP of your hand gestures – the middle finger! 🖕🏼 Always there to help you express yourself when words are not enough. Just remember to use it wisely and sparingly! 😉👌”

  • Doomscrolling: because who doesn’t love anxiety as a hobby?

    Commentary:
    Ah, the noble art of doomscrolling — where finding new ways to stress out is practically a competitive sport. 🎯📱 Who needs hobbies that relax when you can master the fine craft of scrolling through chaos? 😅💥 Remember, folks: it’s all about keeping that heart rate up and your screen time even higher! 🧠📈 #AnxietyAficionado

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