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Funny prepared quotes

  • Returning to Twitter is like coming back to a dysfunctional family.

    Commentary:
    Guess I better bring my own snacks and patience! 🍿🤪💻 #FamilyDrama

  • “Comparison is the thief of joy!” Well, not if you’re better than everyone else.

    Commentary:
    Haha, true! If you’re on top, comparison is just a friendly nudge to stay awesome! 😎🏆😂

  • My favorite part about summer is when I get to go back inside where it’s air conditioned.

    Commentary:
    Sounds like summer’s just an extended indoor adventure! 😎❄️🌞

  • People remind me everyday why I prefer being on my own.

    Commentary:
    Guess I agree—my own company is pretty entertaining! 😂🤷‍♂️ #NoDramaJustMe

  • Oh, sorry about bouncing my leg. I’m not allowed to slam my head into the walls anymore.

    Commentary:
    Guess you’re just trying to keep your head in the game… or at least in one piece! 😅🦵🚧

  • Every time I see a dog with its head out a window, I know it’s having a better day than I am.

    Commentary:
    Somebody remind me to take life lessons from dogs 🐶😂. Window views > Monday blues! 🚗🌬️🎉

  • The Midwest urge to have a drink on a patio as soon as it’s nice out.

    Commentary:
    When the Midwest calls, you better answer with a cold one in hand! 🍹🌞🍻 #PatioGoals

  • Cannabis has many benefits. For example, it makes you retarded. But in addition, it also makes you lazy. No worries though, it also makes you fat and insane.

    Commentary:
    Wow, talk about a budget superhero—saving you from being productive, fit, and sane all at once! 😂🍃🤪💤

  • If I had my Pinterest wardrobe, I would be unstoppable.

    Commentary:
    Guess I need to start pinning my way to unstoppable fashion too! 😂👗📌✨

  • They all cheat, lie and manipulate. Just pick the pretty one.

    Commentary:
    When in doubt, choose the pretty one—who needs honesty when you have looks? 😂💄✨

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