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156 Funny too quotes

You ran a half marathon? That’s really cool, I’ve almost finished a bunch of things, too.

3 months ago

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about too many people.

3 months ago

I’m not being mean. I’m just too old to pretend to like you.

3 months ago

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

3 months ago

I get it cicadas, I’m ready to scream for six weeks too.

3 months ago

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

3 months ago

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one.

3 months ago

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble.

3 months ago

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood.

3 months ago

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

3 months ago

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”.

3 months ago

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that.

3 months ago

I’m not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I’ll drop dead.

3 months ago

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Very helpful. Thanks!

3 months ago

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

3 months ago

I’m already far too stressed as it is. And then you also have to have time to just sit there and do nothing.

3 months ago

If the math problems are too difficult for me, I post them online and write: “Only 1 in 10 can solve this problem.”

3 months ago

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about.

3 months ago

Men are like dogs. They’re actually cute, but having my own would be too much work for me.

3 months ago

I visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

3 months ago