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10,000+ funny quotes

38 minutes ago
Share →: I hope you all get laid soon, for your own mental health.
3 hours ago
Share →: People who don’t admit their mistakes disgust me. I would absolutely admit to a mistake if I had ever made one.
5 hours ago
Share →: When you want to feel at your thinnest, walk through Walmart at any time of day.
7 hours ago
Share →: “Lmao” has survived and even thrived over the years, but its cousin “rofl” has faded into indignity. The cruelty of fate.
9 hours ago
Share →: Sugar held my hand through every breakup.
11 hours ago
Share →: English is so fake. How can you drink a drink, but you can’t food a food?
13 hours ago
Share →: When I’m behind a slow car, I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see that it isn’t my fault.
15 hours ago
Share →: I’m the product of too much television and zero supervision.
17 hours ago
Share →: Pomegranates are worth the mess.
19 hours ago
Share →: No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
21 hours ago
Share →: My husband needs a hearing aid, but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
23 hours ago
Share →: My body snaps, crackles, and pops louder than my cereal.
1 day ago
Share →: Starting an OnlyFans, but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks.
1 day ago
Share →: I have two dogs: one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
1 day ago
Share →: Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves at the same time he does.
1 day ago
Share →: If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early, they’re going to have to learn how to make coffee.
1 day ago
Share →: If the Christians published the Kama Sutra, it would have been one page long.
1 day ago
Share →: Landlord: I’m raising your rent. Me: Am I getting a bigger house?
2 days ago
Share →: My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
2 days ago
Share →: Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t want to talk about it.
2 days ago
Share →: Welcome to your 40s. Your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
2 days ago
Share →: The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse, probably.
2 days ago
Share →: Nothing says, “I love you,” like an echo chamber.
2 days ago
Share →: I’m the friend who shows up with a shovel and an alibi.
2 days ago
Share →: I wish I had the determination of my wife, who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
2 days ago
Share →: If you’re not dropping it like it’s hot, then what the hell are you doing?
2 days ago
Share →: I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
2 days ago
Share →: I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs.
2 days ago
Share →: I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
2 days ago
Share →: I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought seven Police Academy movies were a good idea.