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Funny introduce quotes

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  • Please don’t be mean to me, because I can be meaner and I hate being mean.

    Commentary:
    “When you go low, I go high… on sarcasm! 🎢😅”

  • Therapy is nice but singing as loud as you can in your car is free.

    Commentary:
    “Why pay for therapy when you can have a Grammy-winning performance in traffic? 🚗🎤🎶”

  • My only plan for this weekend is to move just enough so the people don’t think I’m dead.

    Commentary:
    “Weekend goals: mastering the art of ‘I swear I’m alive’ maneuvers! 🛋️😴💃”

  • I used to have this mental illness where I thought logical arguments would change someone’s mind.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the good old days when my superpower was ‘argue-man-tation’ 🦸‍♂️🧠🤯 Turns out, people wear ‘logic-repellent’ like it’s perfume! 😂🌀”

  • I’m sorry for setting the impossible standards that the rest of you try to live up to.

    Commentary:
    “Hey, I never asked for VIP access to your overachiever’s club! 😅🥇✨”

  • That little stroll to the coffee maker makes me happy every morning.

    Commentary:
    “Me every morning: ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of survival! ☕🚶‍♂️😄’”

  • They should invent a life where I know what I’m doing.

    Commentary:
    “When I upgrade to that version of life, I’ll read the instructions! 📚🤔😂”

  • No pre-workout, just flashbacks of stuff I let slide.

    Commentary:
    “Fueling my workout with the power of past regrets and questionable life choices! 😂💪 #FlashbackFitness”

  • Toddlers negotiate like tiny mob bosses: it’s the hard way or the harder way.

    Commentary:
    “😂 When a toddler says ‘make me an offer,’ you better have cookies ready or be prepared for a kindergarten coup! 🍪👶💼”

  • “American Pope” sounds like the name of an Amazon prime original series you ignore.

    Commentary:
    “Waiting for the plot twist where the American Pope is also a crime-fighting detective! 😂📺✝️”

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