Calling me ugly isn't even an insult, because I know already.

Calling me ugly isn’t even an insult, because I know already.

Commentary:
"Well, thank you for the observation, Captain Obvious! 🙄 My mirror and I have already had this discussion. 💁‍♂️✨ Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and clearly, you need some new glasses! 👓😂"

Listen, before I had my coffee I didn't know how awesome I was going to be today either.

Listen, before I had my coffee I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today either.

Commentary:
"Ah, the magical transformation coffee brings – turning mere mortals into unbeatable superheroes of the morning! ☕️💪 Embrace the power of caffeine and unleash your inner awesome – you got this!"

I know my limits. I don't always obey them, but I know them.

I know my limits. I don’t always obey them, but I know them.

Commentary:
"Who needs limits when you have sheer determination and a sprinkle of rebellious spirit? 💪🚫 Pushing boundaries is an art form after all! 🎨😜"

I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

I just finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Commentary:
"Looks like this brain is playing a tricky game of hide and seek with itself! 🧠🔄 Maybe it just needs a good ol' brain workout to get things in order. Who needs directions when you can just go in circles, right? 🤪 #BrainTeasers"

I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.

I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.

Commentary:
"Who knew laziness could be so fabulous? 😂 It's a tough choice between getting things done and embracing the awesomeness of laziness! 💁‍♂️💤 Keep slaying that lazy game, my friend!"

Your life can't fall apart if you never had it together.

Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together.

Commentary:
"Who needs their life to be put together anyway? 🤷‍♂️ Embrace the chaos, embrace the mess – that's where the fun is! 🎉 Just remember, it's hard for something to fall apart if it was never fully assembled in the first place! 😜 #LifeMotto"

My parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult, I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off.

My parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult, I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off.

Commentary:
"Looks like someone finally found the courage to ask the burning question 🔧🤪 Who needs a map when you've got a trusty screwdriver, right? 🔩 #AdultingAtItsFinest"

People delete their social media and start acting like they got a master's degree in maturity.

People delete their social media and start acting like they got a master’s degree in maturity.

Commentary:
"Watch out, we've got some online detox wizards over here! 🧙‍♂️ Turning off the screens and suddenly they're dropping wisdom like they've graduated from the University of Adulting 101. 😂 Who knew the 'unfollow' button had all the answers? 🤔 #MaturityLevelUp"

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Commentary:
"Has anyone cracked the code on audible sighs yet? 🤔 I swear, my Apple Watch must be snoozing during those intense sighing moments. 💨 At this rate, I might need a separate fitness tracker just for my exasperated expressions! 😂"

I don't need a fancy watch to tell me I'm not fit one bit.

I don’t need a fancy watch to tell me I’m not fit one bit.

Commentary:
Who needs a fancy watch to track their fitness level when a quick glance in the mirror after climbing a flight of stairs gives you all the confirmation you need!