I can’t believe I slept good all night. What a rush.

Seriously? I came out of hibernation for this?

Turns out I like you a lot more than I originally planned.

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

Someone yelled “hey, retard!” and I looked back.

Can’t wait for my husband to see what he bought everyone for Christmas.

Me, unwrapping a gift: Oh wow, an item. I love these!

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Hate it when I pull out a winter coat and there’s no money stashed in it.

“Santa isn’t real!” Okay, I literally just saw him at the mall.

I think I’ma end the year with a plot twist, everyone hold on tight.

We need a word for that weird feeling you get when you learn what a podcaster looks like.

Imagine falling in love and then finding out that they put antlers on their car for the holidays.

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

Pregnancy is crazy. You really come home with someone you don’t know, with no teeth.

No, he didn’t ghost you, you just left him speechless, forever.

There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing beside you right now and you’d have no idea.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.