13 shares on Twitch this month:

It’s been so long since I had sex last, went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.

53 shares on Discord this month:

I can’t explain how it works, but one day, you just wake up and like sauerkraut.

21 shares on Snapchat this month:

How many cups of coffee is OK to have every day? Is it eight? I’m pretty sure it’s eight.

62 shares on WhatsApp this month:

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

98 shares on Instagram this month:

As you get older, nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. Like, I don’t know what to tell you, dude, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations.

85 shares on Facebook this month:

I can do a lot of things, but listening to someone chew is not one of them.

53 shares on Instagram this month:

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.

93 shares on Snapchat this month:

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

74 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo DіCaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten.

56 shares on Threads this month:

Single, not sure how to mingle.