I eat my first meal of the day in the afternoon, bro. Don’t ask me for advice.

I eat my first meal of the day in the afternoon, bro. Don’t ask me for advice.

Commentary:
"Sorry, I operate on a 'brunch-anytime' schedule. I can't help with early bird problems 🍳🕒 #AfternoonFeaster"

People always ask me "Do you believe in God?" and I say of course it’s important to have self-belief.

People always ask me “Do you believe in God?” and I say of course it’s important to have self-belief.

Commentary:
Absolutely! Who needs divine intervention when you've got self-confidence to the max? 🙌 Believe in yourself, and watch miracles happen (or at least some impressive self-improvement)! 🌟 #FaithInMeNotDeity

I think if you ask Kanye for a million at the right time, he'll give it to you.

I think if you ask Kanye for a million at the right time, he’ll give it to you.

Commentary:
Well, timing is everything with Kanye – it's like catching a shooting star 🌠 in a bottle of Yeezy magic ✨. Just make sure you're in sync with his vibe du jour, and you might just hit the jackpot 💰. Just don't ask during a Taylor Swift rant 😉.

You have one week to ask me to be your Valentine. Requests must be in the form of poetic verse written in your blood.

You have one week to ask me to be your Valentine. Requests must be in the form of poetic verse written in your blood.

Commentary:
Oh, we're going old school with the romantic demands, aren't we? Better sharpen those quills and get ready to spill some “blood” to win that Valentine's Day prize! 🖋️💉 Let's hope your potential Valentine has a thing for poetic gore and a twisted sense of humor! 🩸😂

Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married.

Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married.

Commentary:
"Why do people think it's okay to ask why a person is single? I don't ask why you're unhappily married. 🤷‍♂️💍 Maybe they should mind their own beeswax before stirring the relationship pot! 😄🔥"

Mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

Mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

Commentary:
🍹 "Mocktails are the ultimate juice detectives – solving the mystery of pricey drinks one fruity concoction at a time! Who knew investigating a beverage could be this refreshing and affordable? Cheers to mocktails for reminding us that sometimes the best things in life are just a squeeze away from being free!" 🕵️‍♂️🍊 #JuicyInvestigations #MocktailMysteries

Hate when people ask “why is it called Silence of the Lambs?” Like, did you hear any lambs during the movie? Use your head!

Hate when people ask “why is it called Silence of the Lambs?” Like, did you hear any lambs during the movie? Use your head!

Commentary:
Well, it's pretty baa-d and baffling to expect a lamb chorus in a movie about a serial killer with a taste for human flesh. 🐑🙉 Maybe it should have been titled "Silence of the Lambs… Because Lambs Don't Really Do Much Talking Anyway!" 🤣 #HeadScratcher

Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

Commentary:
Isn't it ironic how we expect clowns to act like clowns, yet we're the ones lining up to watch the circus? 🤡🎪 Maybe it's time for some self-reflection instead of waiting for the next clown show!

What doesn’t kill you will text you in 5 months to ask “What are you doing?”

What doesn’t kill you will text you in 5 months to ask “What are you doing?”

Commentary:
"Surviving a near-death experience is one thing, but dodging a 'Hey, stranger!' text 5 months later? That takes true resilience and a good block button! 😂📱 #JustSurvivorThings"

I will play my favorite song until the artist comes out of my phone to ask for water.

I will play my favorite song until the artist comes out of my phone to ask for water.

Commentary:
🎶📱 When your favorite song becomes so real that even the artist can't ignore it! 💦😂 Who needs a concert when you can just blast their music in your living room and summon them for a glass of water? Stay hydrated while rocking out! 🎤🚰