I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Commentary:
Dreaming of committing whimsical crimes, because waking up is the ultimate alibi! 😄🔪 #DreamCrimes #SillyMurders

Alcohol: When you want to run away from your problems without moving.

Alcohol: When you want to run away from your problems without moving.

Commentary:
"Alcohol: Your one-way ticket to avoiding responsibilities while staying in one spot! 🍻🏃‍♂️ #ProcrastinationStation"

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped.

Commentary:
"Ah, yes, the ol' 'fart your way to freedom' strategy, a true gas-powered escape plan! 🌬️💨 Just imagine the looks on your kidnappers' faces as they realize they've underestimated the power of nervous flatulence! 💨😂 Remember, when in doubt, let it out! #FlatulenceForFreedom"

Being abducted by aliens could be just the vacation I need right now.

Being abducted by aliens could be just the vacation I need right now.

Commentary:
"Who needs a beach when you can have a close encounter of the third kind 🛸👽? Forget sipping on a margarita, how about some intergalactic probing instead? 🌌✨ Just beam me up, Scotty! 🌠 #VacayGoals"

Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won't hurt too much.

Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal struggle of balancing work-life harmony! 🤔💼🏠 Just remember, aim for a paper cut level of pain, not a concussion! 😂📎 #OfficeDilemmas"

If I were a billionaire, I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

If I were a billionaire, I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Commentary:
"If I were a billionaire, forget Mars, I'd have everyone else waving goodbye from my rocket-built private island in outer space! 🚀🏝️ #SpaceAintBigEnoughForUsAll"

My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still at work.

My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.

Commentary:
"Looks like your escape key is on strike, refusing to give you the much-needed break! 🤖⌨️ Keep hammering away and maybe your keyboard will finally let you escape to the weekend! 🏃‍♂️💼"

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle and explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle and explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Commentary:
"Dracula, the ultimate introvert role model! 🦇💤 Who needs small talk when you can just transform into a flock of bats and peace out? 🦇✨ Maybe we could all use a little more 'batitude' in our social lives! 🦇😂 #IntrovertGoals"

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying and they get to leave the event.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying and they get to leave the event.

Commentary:
"Ah, the power of a crying baby as the ultimate 'get out of socializing' card! 😅👶 Sorry, folks, duty calls! #ParentingPerks"