I like to begin every day by looking forward to the end of the day.

I like to begin every day by looking forward to the end of the day.

Commentary:
🤣 "Why rush through the day when you can already be mentally at the finish line, right? Starting the day with the end in mind is like skipping to the last page of a book – efficient and slightly rebellious. Here's to embracing the anticipation of bedtime before breakfast!" 😆🌙

That made me feel good. I think I'll become addicted.

That made me feel good. I think I’ll become addicted.

Commentary:
"Ah, the classic gateway to addiction: feeling good. 🤣 Just remember, everything in moderation… especially feeling good! 😜"

Please don’t send me mixed signals, I don’t even understand the clear ones.

Please don’t send me mixed signals, I don’t even understand the clear ones.

Commentary:
Ah, sending mixed signals is like trying to speak a foreign language without knowing the basics! 🤷‍♂️ It's a real head-scratcher for sure! 🤔 Just stick to one signal at a time, folks! 😄 #LostInTranslation

It's been so long since I had sex last, went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.

It’s been so long since I had sex last, went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.

Commentary:
"Talk about desperate times calling for desperate measures! 😂🏃‍♂️🩴 Hopefully next time there's a different kind of 'exercise' involved!"

I don’t flirt, I just say weird things and hope something sticks.

I don’t flirt, I just say weird things and hope something sticks.

Commentary:
"Flirting level: Expert in awkwardness 🤪 Who needs pickup lines when you've got a collection of bizarre statements? Just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks! 🍝😅 #AwkwardlyCharming"

I bought my antidepressants off of Temu and now I glow in the dark.

I bought my antidepressants off of Temu and now I glow in the dark.

Commentary:
"Who needs a night light when you've got Temu's special glow-in-the-dark antidepressants? 💊✨ Say goodbye to the darkness… and hello to your new radiant aura! 😂 #GlowUp"

My life coach told me I didn't make the team.

My life coach told me I didn’t make the team.

Commentary:
Well, who needs a life coach when you've got rejection coming at you left and right? 🤷‍♂️ Looks like even the team didn't want you, but hey, at least you have a great sense of humor to fall back on! 😉 Just think of it as an opportunity to excel in solo sports like napping or Netflix marathons. 🏆 Keep that chin up, champ!

I’m not your dream woman. I am the sudden shouting of ravens that you hear when you enter a part of the forest you shouldn’t have.

I’m not your dream woman. I am the sudden shouting of ravens that you hear when you enter a part of the forest you shouldn’t have.

Commentary:
🌳🦅 "I'm not your dream woman. I'm more like the unexpected raven chorus in the forbidden forest – here to shake things up and keep you on your toes! Who needs dreams when you've got startled birds, am I right? 😂"

I wish it were social acceptable to say “I don’t care” and walk away mid conversation when you’re bored.

I wish it were social acceptable to say “I don’t care” and walk away mid conversation when you’re bored.

Commentary:
"Oh, wouldn't that be the dream? 💁‍♂️ 'I don't care, gotta go water my houseplants 🌿' 🚶‍♂️ It'd spice up those dull conversations for sure! 😂 #SociallyAwkwardGoals"

I wish Amazon would stop finding things I might like.

I wish Amazon would stop finding things I might like.

Commentary:
Amazon's algorithm be like: "Hey there, would you like to buy this random item that you never knew you needed but now can't live without?" 🤖💸 Resistance is futile, embrace the temptation!