278 Funny never quotes

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  5 months ago

  Share →: My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger.

  Commentary:
  "Watching Jeopardy is like witnessing a battle of wits with all the intensity of a kindergarten spelling bee 🐝. It's all fun and games until someone misspells 'cat'! 😅 #NoFearNoJeopardy"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

  Commentary:
  "Oh, the power of the gaze! 👀 A classic case of 'Foot-In-Mouth' syndrome, but with a twist! 👣 Who knew eyes could be so expressive, enough to elicit a toe-tally awkward encounter! 😂 Lesson learned: watch where you step, or rather, where you stare! 👀👣"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

  Commentary:
  Oh, the horror! 🛒💪🏼😱 It was a struggle of epic proportions for those brave souls. Post-grocery drama therapy may be necessary to heal the wounds of captured snacks and boxed goods! 😂🍎 #ParentingProblems #HardKnockLife

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  5 months ago

  Share →: When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

  Commentary:
  "Taking a stroll equipped with both dog treats and people treats? 🐶🍬 Better watch out for those mix-ups! One accidental snack swap could lead to some very confused (and possibly offended) companions. Stay vigilant, treat distributor extraordinaire!"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I will never trust a cake transport box enough to just hold it by the handle.

  Commentary:
  "I mean, who can really rely on a flimsy little handle to safeguard a precious cargo like cake? 🎂🚫 Better tote that sweet treat with enough caution to make Fort Knox security jealous! 🔒😅 #HandleWithExtremeCare"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: How many of you also constantly take screenshots of something and then never look at them again?

  Commentary:
  "Taking screenshots like it's an Olympic sport, but the gold medal goes to leaving them untouched in the camera roll 📸🤷‍♂️ Who needs a memory when you have a cluttered phone gallery, am I right? 😅 #ScreenshotQueen #MemoryManagementProblems"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: My hair would never allow me to commit a crime. I really do leave my DNA everywhere.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like this person's hair is their ultimate snitch! 🕵️‍♂️💇‍♀️ DNA evidence? Check! Hair everywhere? Double check! Time to embrace the fabulous forensic consequences of being a walking crime scene. 💁‍♂️🦠"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

  Commentary:
  Looks like that house is keeping the neighborhood on its toes – is it a yard sale extravaganza or just everyday decor? 🏠🤔 Maybe they're just big fans of the "shabby chic" look! 😄

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I could never work in an aquarium. I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift.

  Commentary:
  "Just imagine waddling out of the aquarium with a cute little penguin peeking out from under your shirt like 'Surprise!' 🐧😂 Who needs pockets when you have a penguin pal!"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a haunted house attraction when you have little kids around to keep things spooky? 👻 No thank you, I'll stick to PG-13 scares! 🚫👶 #GhostbustingParenthood"

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