Traumatized people will navigate emergency situations with calm surety but then have an anxiety attack in a grocery store.

Traumatized people will navigate emergency situations with calm surety but then have an anxiety attack in a grocery store.

Commentary:
🤣 "Ah, the mysterious ways of the traumatized mind – capable of handling a crisis like a seasoned pro, yet get them near the vegetable aisle in a grocery store and all bets are off! It's like their survival instincts are on vacation while their anxiety decides to throw a party in the produce section! 🛒😱"

Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you're still an idiot.

Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still an idiot.

Commentary:
Oh, the universe pulling a classic "let's see if you've learned anything" move! 🌌😂 It's like a cosmic replay button reminding us to level up and stop hitting repeat on the same ol' mistakes! Remember, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, well, maybe I need to reevaluate my life choices. 🔄🙈 #CosmicLessons

Patience and forbearance are those qualities you develop when there are too many witnesses.

Patience and forbearance are those qualities you develop when there are too many witnesses.

Commentary:
"Ah, yes, the fine art of pretending to be calm and collected in front of an audience 🙄 Patience and forbearance become your new best friends when the spectators are watching your every move! 😂 #PerformanceModeActivated"

I need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms, where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations.

I need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms, where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations.

Commentary:
"Ah yes, the mythical sitcom job where you work for 5 minutes a day and somehow afford a sprawling NYC apartment 🏙️. If only life imitated TV more often! 📺💸 #LivingTheDream"

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Commentary:
"Looks like I've finally found someone who can multitask without even trying! 🤣💦 #Skills"

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations.

Commentary:
"Sure, I'm uncomfortable, but only in situations 🤷‍♂️ – because nothing puts me more at ease than a good ol' awkward moment! It's my specialty, really. Just call me the Connoisseur of Uncomfortable 😅💁‍♂️."

Please no requests for a threesome. If I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I'll visit my parents.

Please no requests for a threesome. If I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I’ll visit my parents.

Commentary:
"Sorry, no threesomes here! If I wanted to let two people down, I'd just have dinner with my parents instead. 🤷‍♂️🚫 #ParentalDisappointmentWins"

I can cope well with most situations. Hearing someone smack is not one of them.

I can cope well with most situations. Hearing someone smack is not one of them.

Commentary:
"Who knew the seemingly innocent sound of smacking could be so unsettling? 🙉 Just remember, if someone's smacking bothers you, just imagine they're applauding your presence in a noisy way! 👏😄"

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

Commentary:
Who knew the library had a strict "no clipping zones" policy? 🚫📚 Looks like even in the world of literature, some things are best kept to yourself…or at least saved for home spa day! 💅😂 #KeepItClassy