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129 Funny take quotes

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work.

3 months ago

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

3 months ago

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday. But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

3 months ago

The way some people hold their cell phone to make a call, I always think they’re trying to take a bite out of a sandwich.

3 months ago

Needs to be a Google Maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic.

3 months ago

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

3 months ago

So I think the mammals have now ravaged this planet long enough. It’s time for the reptiles to take over again.

3 months ago

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

3 months ago

I am a person who wants to get a lot done, trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep in and take naps at times.

3 months ago

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

3 months ago

“You shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter”, my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to.

3 months ago

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

3 months ago

I love diss tracks because it’s basically two dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

3 months ago

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

3 months ago

How many of you also constantly take screenshots of something and then never look at them again?

3 months ago

Everyone tells me “take care”, but no one tells me why.

3 months ago

Me as the therapist: “Listen, just take a nap!”

3 months ago

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

3 months ago

How do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me?

3 months ago

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons. They just take your money and run.

3 months ago