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153 Funny workplace quotes

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All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
This meeting could have been a push down the stairs.
“Please feel free to ignore this email!” Way ahead of you, buddy.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘How stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
If my trainee says “oh God” one more time, he’s going to meet him.

More funny workplace quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore.

Commentary:
Looks like someone's ready to trade in their team player jersey for a lone wolf outfit! 🐺Who knew a team meeting could have such powerful anti-team building effects? 😅 Just remember, teamwork makes the dream work…or at least that's what they say! #TeamMeetingBlues
5 months ago
Share →: I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Commentary:
"Move over, humans! The real MVP in this summer heat is none other than the air conditioner. 🥶🏆 Let's show some appreciation and hang that 'Employee of the Month' plaque with pride! 😂 #ACforPresident"
5 months ago
Share →: Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

Commentary:
"Ah, the classic 'let's agree to disagree' – the diplomatic way of saying 'let's just nod and move on' 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♀️. A surefire strategy for avoiding those never-ending debates that make you question your life choices 🤣. Just remember, when in doubt, agree to disagree and grab some popcorn for the show! 🍿👏"
5 months ago
Share →: Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Commentary:
"Ah, the age-old wisdom of not sipping on a margarita while negotiating a higher salary 🍸💰 A clear mind leads to clear arguments, after all! Time to put down the cocktail and pick up the confidence instead! 🚫🍹 #RaiseNegotiationEtiquette"
5 months ago
Share →: Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Commentary:
"Breaking News: Retail Olympics now offering a daily brawl event! 🥊😂 Unleash your inner frustrations and let the customer showdowns begin! Who will take home the gold medal in the 'Can I Speak to Your Manager' category? Stay tuned for the ultimate showdown of patience vs sass! 💥🌟 #CustomerServiceRumble"
5 months ago
Share →: Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant IKEA ball pit.

Commentary:
"Imagine the brainstorming sessions – diving deep into ideas and cushions simultaneously! 💭🛋️ Can't decide if we should build team rapport or a new shelf first… 🤔💡 Who knew that bright yellow balls could spark such creative breakthroughs? 🟡🔮 #ProductivityinStyle"
5 months ago
Share →: Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow.

Commentary:
"Me: *sends enthusiastic text about work*

Boss: *ignores*

Me: *cries in emojis* 😭💔

Who knew excitement was a one-sided affair at the office? 🤷‍♂️💼 #MondayBlues"
5 months ago
Share →: Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle.

Commentary:
🤪📚 "Hmm, let's see… Ah, here it is! Page 47, Section 3.5: 'Thou shalt not unleash random weird noises that disturb thy cubicle neighbors.' Looks like you're officially busted! Better start practicing your silent mime routines instead! 😂"
5 months ago
Share →: My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Commentary:
"Looks like the presentation itself was the real joke! 💸😅 Hope the punchline was worth it, or at least enough to cover the disappointment. #CorporateHumor"
5 months ago
Share →: My company promotes diversity. We’d never hire twins.

Commentary:
"Sorry twins, you'll have to take turns applying at this company! We're all about unique individuals here 😉👯‍♂️ #NoTwinningAllowed"