I am awake and ready to be disappointed.

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My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

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Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to kiss today.

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Turtles made out of plastic, problem solved.

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I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

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Every time you give someone the benefit, they deliver the doubt.

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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

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Dear brain, please finally learn the difference between hunger and boredom. I’m getting fat.

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Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, what would Jesus do? Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

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It is a mistake to say that the people who live a hundred years from now will have nothing to laugh at. They can laugh at us.