If I’m gonna jingle your bells, I’m definitely gonna jingle them all the way.

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Told my girl I’m tired of her dramas and she bought me an energy drink.

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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

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My life would be pointless without cheese. Or as the famous song goes: “Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone!”

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Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.

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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

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The real threat to Democracy is the Bureaucracy.

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When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

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When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor got slapped.

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If you take a social media sabbatical, don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder if there’s a bear in this cave?”

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Sunsets and women are undoubtedly God’s best creations.