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5,000+ funny quotes

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus.

Funny Quotes August 3, 2024

A babysitter is a teenager who acts like an adult while the adults go out to act like teenagers.

Funny Quotes August 5, 2024

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911.

Funny Quotes August 31, 2024

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Funny Quotes June 16, 2024

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Funny Quotes November 8, 2023

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control.

Funny Quotes July 10, 2024

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this Thanksgiving party started.

Funny Quotes November 24, 2023

That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you’re not home.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

Girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards.

Funny Quotes May 7, 2024

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally.

Funny Quotes July 30, 2024

Naps are tricky. Either you wake up relaxed and refreshed, or you have a headache, a dry throat and no idea what year it is.

Funny Quotes November 20, 2023

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hot dogs! hot dogs!” over and over again? That’s me, looking for hot dogs.

Funny Quotes August 14, 2024

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is.

Funny Quotes August 28, 2024

I like to describe the difference between theory and practice with shopping lists and receipts.

Funny Quotes August 14, 2024