Waiting in the grocery store parking lot for the rotisserie chickens to be ready. The thrill of the hunt. Posted onMay 19, 2026
To everyone I offended this year: do better next year, so I don’t have to do it again. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I don’t really do one-night stands, but I will do, like, 3-8 months of a semi-toxic, undefined relationship that wastes my time and ruins my life. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I did not spend years turning the faucet off while I brushed my teeth, so corporations could ruin the environment with festering AI slop. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I use karate strictly as a last resort, after I’ve exhausted fleeing and screaming. Posted onMay 19, 2026
This can’t be the same brain I was using to read 750-page novels in 3 days during middle school. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Just cleaned my room in case Beyoncé was somewhere close to my house and her car broke down, and she needed somewhere to sleep. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I love staying in a hotel. I’m eating room service in bed while I watch the worst TV show of all time on cable television. I’m working out in the gym and swimming in the pool. I’m using the amenities. To hell with Airbnb. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Glad to be born at a time when I got to see what life was like before the internet, and will be dead before AI completely destroys humanity. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Evenings after work finish too quickly, one meal, one show, and it’s already tomorrow morning. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid. Posted onMay 19, 2026
If you sit down to play a game of chess and your opponent punches you in the face, you’re not going to prevail by getting better at chess. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Girl, I’m bored. Let’s start drinking the daily recommended 10-15 cups of water. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Next time I die, I’m going to make sure I’m reincarnated someplace other than Earth. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I kind of can’t wait for my generation to be bumping 90’s hip hop, rap, and heavy metal at the old folks’ homes. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Just call me Mother Nature because I can go from hot to cold in a 24-hour period, too. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Showering at night is so sexy and clean and self-care vibes. Showering in the morning is so productivity core, cog in the machine core. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Job interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?” Me: “My greatest strength is that I’m a good listener.” Posted onMay 19, 2026