Just cleaned my room in case Beyoncé was somewhere close to my house and her car broke down, and she needed somewhere to sleep. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I love staying in a hotel. I’m eating room service in bed while I watch the worst TV show of all time on cable television. I’m working out in the gym and swimming in the pool. I’m using the amenities. To hell with Airbnb. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Glad to be born at a time when I got to see what life was like before the internet, and will be dead before AI completely destroys humanity. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Evenings after work finish too quickly, one meal, one show, and it’s already tomorrow morning. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid. Posted onMay 19, 2026
If you sit down to play a game of chess and your opponent punches you in the face, you’re not going to prevail by getting better at chess. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Girl, I’m bored. Let’s start drinking the daily recommended 10-15 cups of water. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Next time I die, I’m going to make sure I’m reincarnated someplace other than Earth. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I kind of can’t wait for my generation to be bumping 90’s hip hop, rap, and heavy metal at the old folks’ homes. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Just call me Mother Nature because I can go from hot to cold in a 24-hour period, too. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Showering at night is so sexy and clean and self-care vibes. Showering in the morning is so productivity core, cog in the machine core. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Job interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?” Me: “My greatest strength is that I’m a good listener.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
At the airport, and a wife asked her husband, “Where are our seats?” and he responds, “In the airplane.” Posted onMay 19, 2026
Had an interview today, and my belly rumbled. The lady goes, “Missed lunch?” I told her, “Nah, I’m hungry for success!” Posted onMay 19, 2026
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen what happens when they get elected. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Your birthday as an adult mainly consists of texting back ‘Thanks!’ to people you haven’t talked to in 5 years. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My most boomer belief is that you can often get a malfunctioning appliance to work again by slapping it. Posted onMay 19, 2026
You honestly gotta believe in yourself so much that it’s borderline delusional. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Love when job applications ask for my desired salary so I can choose between not being hired and being exploited for my work. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Waving at the end of every Zoom call like it’s the 1800s and a big steamship is leaving the harbor. Posted onMay 19, 2026