New funny animal jokes

• Dogs have two jobs: calm their humans when they are stressed. Stress their humans when they are calm.

• I know so many people with cats, and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat. Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like, ‘Yeah, he just moved in.’

• Better to be a wolf that everyone hates, than a donkey that everyone rides.

• Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on the front porch to show them what I’m capable of.

• Sharks are orcs, dolphins are elves.

• Every time I wanna quit, I remember horses don’t stop.

• When animals lead you to a place, it’s so cute… like, yes, I’m still following. Thank you for constantly turning around to make sure.

• I’ve woken up yet again without an emotional support capybara.

• The lion does not concern himself with social proof.

• Having a sore throat as a giraffe must really suck.

Top funny animal jokes

• I wanna be a jellyfish— no heart, no brain, no feelings, no pain— just blub blub blub.

• I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like a cat. 14 hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets.

• The lion does not concern himself with the check engine light.

• Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1,000 pictures you have of them sleeping.

• It’s true that I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, but for my return trip, I rented a camel named Carl.

• I be like, “Awwwww cows,” and then go and eat two double cheeseburgers, lol.

• Can’t believe penguins have to publish all those books with their tiny hands.

• I look stable, but I talk to animals, and wait for them to reply.

• Party rock is in the mouse tonighttt, piece of cheese I’m gonna take a big biteee.

• It’s cool that women want me, but it makes me sad that fish fear me.

Popular funny animal jokes

• I love talkative cats. Like, yeah, bro. Meow, meow! You’re so right.

• Animals are 15 minutes old and already know what to do.

• The streets are not for me. I belong in an enchanted forest, eating berries, and talking to my animal friends.

• Death doesn’t scare me, but a group of dogs fighting while I’m walking alone on the street does.

• Saw a big spider crawl into my closet last night. He’s probably in there trying on all my clothes, acting like he’s me.

• Pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed.

• Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

• Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention, but what about crow women?

• Waiting patiently for something good to happen, like that goat in Jurassic Park.

• Girls will be like, “This is my comfort song,” and it’s the howling of a wolf inside a dark forest.

More funny animal jokes

• A baby cow is called a calf because it’s half a cow. Half cow. Calf. No further questions.

• Female dragonflies will fake their own deaths to avoid mating with unwanted males. They are like, “Ugh, here comes Carl again. Play dead, girl!“

• When I bark at a dog, I always worry that I might have inadvertently said something wrong.

• I couldn’t work at a zoo. I’d have a penguin in my car by the end of the shift.

• When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat, like I’m a blackjack dealer.

• I tried meowing back at the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

• I think Australians should have to go three rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

• Every day when I get home, I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

• Okay, seen enough, someone put a blanket over my cage.

• Fitbits are just Tamagotchis, except the stupid animal you’re trying to keep alive is you.

Witty animal jokes

• Gonna spend today following my cats into the kitchen and meowing at them until they give me treats.

• I don’t want to adult anymore. Don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat. Jump around randomly, eat what I want, and head-butt anyone who annoys me.

• Washing my hands in the sink and then wiping them on my cat, like a towel.

• I wonder what other animals we tried to ride before discovering that horses were cool with it.

• I have two dogs: one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

• Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up early so she can bite you excitedly.

• I wish I were a wild horse in Kazakhstan. That would fix everything.

• The lion does not concern himself at all. The lion is depressed.

• When I dance, people say it reminds them of a wild dog chasing its tail.

• Judging by the hair on my couch, I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.