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184 Funny eating quotes

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If a woman says “Do what you want!”, then for God’s sake don’t do what you want!

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I got called “pretty” today! Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I only focus on the positive things.

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You know that moment when you get up in the morning, you’re full of energy and you can’t wait to get to work? Me neither!

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I got a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if you think I’m pretty.” Sometimes I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.

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I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words.

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My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

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I always fear that one day I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet.

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Autocorrect changed β€˜are you around?’ to β€˜are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

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Good morning to everyone except the people who are missing the ability to read the room.