They need to invent a job for people who aren’t good at anything nor motivated nor social.

You don’t have to write every day to be a writer! You just have to feel guilty every day that you don’t.

The internal struggle between wanting to be productive and just wanting to nap all day.

I don’t need coffee, misanthropy fuels me.

Living up to your potential sounds exhausting.

A new year resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

And then I thought to myself, “What’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?”

I want the dreams to chase me for once.

I lost my appetite for doing work. If you find it, you can keep it.

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

How can I be ready for the future when I’m not even ready to get up in the morning?

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like.

I’m not feeling very worky today.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

Don’t forget to tell yourself more lies today.

Don’t worry. You’re exactly where you should be in life. Because you’ve made horrible choices.

Running feels great until you compare it to not running.

Peloton guy yelling “two more, one more” but it’s me eating Cheetos.

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Whenever you are feeling down, remember you’re the sperm that won.

I changed my alarm clock sound to an applause, it’s the least I deserve for waking up at 7am.

I’m only awake because my coffee needs me.

Super excited about a brand new week of hanging on by a thread.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not dying, it’s just Monday.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it can make you hotter than your enemies.

People be like, “I’m a work in progress” and never make any progress.

Starting the second half of your sandwich is like “hell yeah, baby, let’s run it back!”

I like to begin every day by looking forward to the end of the day.

That made me feel good. I think I’ll become addicted.