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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇴 has viewed:

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has viewed:

I am stoned and laying in bed reading, and the idea of Santa going on Ozempic popped into my head, and I whispered, “No!”

Someone from 🇮🇸 has viewed:

A woman’s G-spot can be found at the end of the word shopping.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has downloaded:

I just need my friends to know I would do absolutely anything for them, except reply to their message.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has viewed:

Have y’all tried calories? They’re so good.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has downloaded:

Aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has shared:

God: “I don’t regret the Flood, but I do regret the Ark.”

Someone from 🇬🇶 has shared:

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has copied:

I wish I was as tired at bedtime as I am at 2 p.m. on any given day.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has shared:

It is not without reason that all telescopes searching for intelligent life are pointed away from Earth.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,706

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Discord:

“This is a great weekend to clean out the garage,” according to my wife and other people who won’t be cleaning the garage.

Shared recently on TikTok:

Dear phone, if you didn’t light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn’t have died so quickly!

Just shared via Twitch:

The hottest part of sex is when I take off my glasses and put them in a safe place.

Trending via Telegram:

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

Going viral on WeChat:

I’ve been asked to join a swingers club, but I’m a little nervous. What if I’m not good enough? I haven’t been on a swing since I was 9.

Breaking via WhatsApp:

Really just want to meet someone who knows what songs not to talk over.

Spotted on Snapchat:

Saying “You’re tearing this family apart” whenever someone argues with me.

Making waves on Twitch:

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

Just shared via Discord:

I love my cat so much, but how the hell are you that small and take up an entire queen-size mattress?

Just shared via TikTok:

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

Funny off quotes

Funny off quotes are the perfect way to add a splash of humor when you need to tell someone to buzz off without sounding harsh 😜✌️ Whether you’re feeling sassy, cheeky, or just downright playful, these witty lines will have you laughing while keeping it light and fun 😂🔥 Ready to spice up your comebacks and brighten the mood? Let’s dive into the world of hilarious shut-downs that pack a punch with a smile! 😎💥

New funny off quotes 👇

All funny off quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections
✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

62 shares on Twitch this month:

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

74 shares on Instagram this month:

Good morning to everyone except people that talk to the cashier about their entire day.

39 shares on Instagram this month:

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle.

75 shares on Snapchat this month:

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude, you aren’t the one paying for it. Stop!

13 shares on Facebook this month:

This post is invisible, and only heathens can see it.

45 shares on LinkedIn this month:

All these deadlines, but it’s you I want to meet.

11 shares on Slack this month:

When I die, I hope it’s early in the morning, so I don’t have to go to work that day for no reason.

94 shares on X this month:

I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.

92 shares on Pinterest this month:

The universe clearly isn’t working as it should so someone should turn it off and back on again.

77 shares on Reddit this month:

People who leave the blinds closed the entire plane ride: who hurt you?

Trending Topics 📁

activity communication day food frustration fun humor i irony joke just know life love me media people procrastination relationship sarcasm social social media someone technology time want work

Hot Jokes 💥

20 folks are currently checking 👀

Just waiting for my laundry to be done so I can pop it in the dryer and forget about it again.

9 folks are currently checking 👀

Have you ever “accidentally” eaten a family sized bag of chips?

7 folks are currently checking 👀

When someone says “I don’t want a relationship right now” the “at least not with you” is silent.

24 folks are currently checking 👀

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn.

21 folks are currently checking 👀

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? The one that I use every single day? And the location is my house, you say? Thank you so much for warning me. I will contact Interpol.

8 folks are currently checking 👀

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

24 folks are currently checking 👀

There’s something meditative about cleaning. It’s the perfect time to reflect and plan revenge on every single person who has ever wronged you.

24 folks are currently checking 👀

When a girl says “5 mins,” think about it like five minutes left in the 4th quarter, and both teams have all their timeouts.

8 folks are currently checking 👀

I love asking 5 different people for advice then doing what I want.

23 folks are currently checking 👀

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,606

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇳 has downloaded:

The only thing I gained so far this year is weight.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has viewed:

I’ve never been kissed under the cameltoe or whatever it’s called.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has downloaded:

An interviewer asked me how well I can perform under pressure; I said I’m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has copied:

This can’t be the life I protected with a mask in 2020.

Someone from 🇨🇱 has bookmarked:

You ever just see a tree and be like, “Bob Ross would’ve liked this one”?

Someone from 🇲🇪 has bookmarked:

If you’re happy and you know it, you’re clearly not paying enough attention.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has bookmarked:

I love my cat so much, but how the hell are you that small and take up an entire queen-size mattress?

Someone from 🇲🇽 has copied:

That masculine urge to completely avoid relationships until you get your life together.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has viewed:

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has viewed:

Sorry for texting you back instantly. My phone was in my hand, and I’m mature and actually like you.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Pinterest:

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Making waves on Telegram:

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout.

Shared recently on Twitch:

Nobody knows my next move. Not even me.

Spotted on Twitch:

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Shared recently on Slack:

I feel so bad when I overtake an old person on the sidewalk. Like, man, I really didn’t mean to flex on you with my youthful stride.

Live now on LinkedIn:

We should bring gargoyles back, more buildings need freaky little guys on them.

Trending via X:

There is certainly no life on other planets. Otherwise our government would have sent money there long ago.

Just shared via Reddit:

Commenting “Obviously AI” on pictures of happy couples.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

I lost my appetite for doing work. If you find it, you can keep it.

Trending via Slack:

Sitting in an antique chair is weird, like this thing has seen so many butts.

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