TAMPA—Local man Greg Astor stunned family and friends this week by declaring his food strictly personal. “I realized there’s no ‘we’ in ‘food,’ so I’m keeping it all,” he stated, as he locked the kitchen pantry in preparation for dinner.

In response, Greg’s roommate, Tony Edwards, expressed betrayal. “I thought we were sharing,” he sighed. Tony pointed out he’s often the one buying groceries. Greg shrugged, asserting, “That’s the problem, really. You misunderstood the concept of groceries.”

As Greg’s circle debated his revelation, linguists warned of implications. “This discovery might redefine family meals,” Dr. Ellen Verasti explained. Meanwhile, ideologists proposed a new vocabulary where ‘feast’ is spelled ‘fist’ to keep fists away from HIS desserts.