Wordgag ツ

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Me every time I wake up: Oh no, not again!

If you show her you care, she will keep you as a spare.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!” I was taken aback, what a weird way to start a conversation.

I tried to scream into the abyss today but got a busy signal.

Just saying “Think about it!” is enough to overwhelm many people these days.

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing.

My front facing camera got me looking like a failed science project.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

“Your account balance is low!” Brother, wait until you see my will to live.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.