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5,000+ funny quotes

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned.

Funny Quotes September 29, 2023

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads!”

Funny Quotes August 3, 2024

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

Funny Quotes September 29, 2023

In the future, there will be grandmas who can’t bake but have tattoos on their backs.

Funny Quotes September 1, 2024

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

This could have been an email. Me, while attending a wedding ceremony.

Funny Quotes September 30, 2023

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, man.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV.

Funny Quotes September 29, 2023

At the self-checkout, I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up.

Funny Quotes August 3, 2024

“It’s bikini season,” I whisper, eating another bikini.

Funny Quotes June 2, 2024

Sisters are so important. How else would my mom find out all the stuff I didn’t want her to know.

Funny Quotes June 29, 2024

It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap.

Funny Quotes September 7, 2024

Tonight, my poor liver has to pay again for what went wrong during the week.

Funny Quotes August 31, 2024

I’m in a comfy dress today, but I look like a potato in floral. Call me Nelly Flortato.

Funny Quotes September 19, 2024