The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

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Women watch Netflix with subtitles because they don’t know how to listen.

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You should always wear a helmet when doing dangerous things or talking about politics.

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If I had my Pinterest wardrobe, I would be unstoppable.

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Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end.

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I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

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Dear people who talk on speakerphone out in public. Everyone around you hates you.

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I was actually about to do a workout when the couch threw itself protectively under me.

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If you want to make your mother proud, make her my mother-in-law.

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Go outside and let the rain do what your boyfriend can’t.

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You’re never too old to become less of an idiot.