BATHURST—Local man Greg Richards was devastated Tuesday to learn that his bed has reportedly moved on just fine without him. “The only thing I miss all day is my bed,” said Richards, adding that he and his mattress had a bond since college. “I’ve spent many hours with it, but it seems my bed’s not losing any springs over me.”

Richards, who admits to spending more time with his sheets than his friends, was observed trying to communicate via deep pillow snuggles, but to no avail. “I thought we had something special, but according to memory foam, I’m not even a blip in its cozy history,” he lamented, glancing at dust mites for signs of sympathy.

In response, local bedding psychologist Dr. Claire Quilten suggests Richards’ feelings of abandonment aren’t uncommon. “Many pillows carry emotional weight, but a bed’s social obligations are stuffed,” she noted, encouraging him to try sleeping at other locales. “Sometimes, you just need to let your duvet do its thing and explore fluffier pastures.”