I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park. Posted on59 minutes ago
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by. Posted on6 hours ago
“AI is coming for your jobs”. I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers. Posted on8 hours ago
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there” Posted on11 hours ago
Yes, hello, I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth, please. Posted on15 hours ago
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cat’s problem is. Posted on16 hours ago
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in. Posted on18 hours ago
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system. Posted on21 hours ago
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over. Posted on24 hours ago
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about. Posted on1 day ago
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’ Posted on2 days ago
That beeping of the parking assistant when you get too close to other cars. I’d like that for people. Posted on2 days ago
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid. Posted on2 days ago
If I were God, I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that. Posted on2 days ago
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person. Posted on2 days ago
I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns. Posted on2 days ago
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon. Posted on3 days ago
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong. When exactly does the strong part kick in? Posted on3 days ago
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble. Posted on3 days ago