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Not sure why I drink anymore. I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
“This too shall pass.” And then some other bullshit will come and take its place. It never f**king ends.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.
Hey, can I get an ETA on that “this too shall pass”?

More funny too quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: If I’m too much for you, then go and find less.

Commentary:
"Too much for you? Don't worry, there's always the bargain bin for those seeking less! 💁‍♂️✨ #MoreIsMore"
5 months ago
Share →: There are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else).

Commentary:
"Ah, mashed potatoes, the divas of the dining world! Always making a grand entrance in either a dainty spoonful or a mountainous heap 🥄🥔 Just when you think you've found the perfect portion size, they go and play mind games with your taste buds! It's a tale as old as time: the struggle between elegance and gluttony, all on one plate of spuds. Bon appétit!"
5 months ago
Share →: I get it, credit cards, I’ve reached my limit too.

Commentary:
"Looks like both you and credit cards have something in common – reaching your limits! 💳💸 Maybe it's time for a financial cooldown before swiping again! 😅"
5 months ago
Share →: When I say I’m saving myself for marriage, what I mean is you won’t know how annoying I am until it’s too late.

Commentary:
"Saving myself for marriage… or just saving you from discovering my true level of annoyance 🤷‍♀️💍 Beware, the surprise awaits! 😂 #KeepingItReal"
5 months ago
Share →: How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

Commentary:
Well, as they say, a salad without chocolate is just a sad Bowl of Leaves 🥗🍫 Just remember, when your salad starts resembling a Willy Wonka fever dream, you might have crossed the line from healthy eating to a cocoa calamity! 🍫😜
5 months ago
Share →: I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Commentary:
"Ah, the 'buy one, get one body free' deal! 🛍️💃 Who wouldn't love to upgrade their wardrobe *and* their figure in one go? 😄💁‍♂️ #FashionForwardThinking"
5 months ago
Share →: Not sure why I drink anymore. I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Commentary:
"Why bother with fancy cocktails when the simple act of standing up quickly can give you that instant buzz? 🍸💨 Who needs a drink when you've got gravity on your side? 🌪️😂 #LifeHack"
5 months ago
Share →: All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Commentary:
"Who needs love when you have a perfectly balanced plate of nachos? 🧀🌶️ Let's give nachos the anthem they truly deserve! 🎶 #NachoLove"
5 months ago
Share →: I need new friends. The old ones know too much.

Commentary:
"Looking for new friends to keep things exciting and keep my secrets safe! 🤫🤣 Who else is on the hunt for fresh confidants? #OutWithTheOld #InWithTheNew"
5 months ago
Share →: Legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them.

Commentary:
"Ah, the good ol' days when stepping on a Lego was painful but affordable! 💸😂 Maybe we need a 'nostalgia discount' for parents braving the Lego pricing battle today. 💰🧱 #BringBackCheapLegos"