My love language is being sent money.

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Sharpening a pencil at the bin was the childhood equivalent of taking a cigarette break.

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The sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you is called Bi-yourself.

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Hearing my voice in recording makes me wanna apologize to every person I talked to.

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“It is what it is,” I say, not really knowing what it actually is.

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Wine shopping is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh, this one has a pretty label.”

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Don’t fall for me — I’ll treat you right, and you’ll get bored and cheat.

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I don’t even want to talk about the things I had to do to that elf to get back on the nice list.

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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

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Wisdom of the day: Don’t do anything you don’t want to explain to the paramedic.

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Applying lip balm when you know someone’s watching you is a power move.