Are you spaghetti because I want you to meat my balls?

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Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll and pop some money in the pocket, please?

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The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while waiting in line.

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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

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Everything is dishwasher safe if you don’t care enough about it.

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Autumn at last. Sitting on the sofa all day with a blanket and tea and watching movies. Just like in summer, but with a blanket and tea.

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Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

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Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

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Ironically people who are good at giving advice find it difficult to follow their own.