81 funny alcohol quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Clearly I’m not doing Dry January unless you mean sense of humor.

May 25, 2026

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

May 24, 2026

If you’re doing Dry January, please, please, keep it to yourself. Nobody cares, and you’re probably even more boring without alcohol.

May 24, 2026

I don’t drink alcohol. I like suffering raw.

May 24, 2026

It’s not ‘drinking alone’ if you’re at work.

May 24, 2026

Me: I’m an introvert. Vodka: No, you’re not.

May 24, 2026

Feeling melancholy. Think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse.

May 23, 2026

I spend half the day wondering if it’s too late for coffee and the other half wondering if it’s too early for alcohol.

May 23, 2026

“Alcohol and beautiful women” is apparently not an appropriate answer when you are asked about your weaknesses in a job interview.

May 23, 2026

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

May 23, 2026

Tonight, my poor liver has to pay again for what went wrong during the week.

May 23, 2026

Alcohol and eye contact is a deadly combo.

May 23, 2026

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas! Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

May 23, 2026

Wine must breathe. I always hear that wine needs to breathe. I want to drink it and not revive it.

May 22, 2026

I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.

May 22, 2026

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

May 22, 2026

Seven wives and no alcohol? No thanks, Mormons.

May 22, 2026

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

May 22, 2026

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

May 22, 2026

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it’s the vodka.

May 22, 2026

Alcohol: When you want to run away from your problems without moving.

May 21, 2026

Today sucked so bad, I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

May 21, 2026

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking? I meant thinking. I definitely need to drink more.

May 21, 2026

My employer is totally caring. They pay so poorly that I can’t afford to have an alcohol or drug problem.

May 21, 2026

“What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently?” I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day.

May 21, 2026

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”. So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

May 21, 2026

As long as you’re still fishing fruit flies out of your drink, you’re not drunk.

May 21, 2026

You can tell me what you want, but alcohol and eye contact are a dangerous combination.

May 21, 2026

Got me some lemons now for the cold. I hope the tequila helps.

May 21, 2026

I would have loads of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

May 21, 2026

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

May 21, 2026

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

May 21, 2026

Three drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

May 21, 2026

Yes, liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

May 20, 2026

DUI stands for: don’t Uber, I got this.

May 20, 2026

Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret.

May 20, 2026

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

May 20, 2026

I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions.

May 20, 2026

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk.

May 20, 2026

My heart says, chocolate and wine, but my jeans say “Woman, are you kidding? Eat a salad!”

May 20, 2026