Bruschetta is 80% delicious and 20% mess.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for.

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic, now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen.

I’m going to be real with you. My dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

According to the smoke alarm, the food is ready.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Everyone is celebrating my vegan Bolognese sauce. The secret ingredient is minced meat.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I can’t take people who pronounce “gnocchi” correctly seriously.

Opinions are like air fryers. Everyone’s got one and they won’t stop banging on about them.

Do we barbecue with women or without salad?

Love is in the air fryer.

I often wonder how men could discover entire continents. Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe, I am here to reassure you that you did not.

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV.

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

I’m just going to flip this omelette… Okay, we’re having scrambled eggs.

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?