278 Funny never quotes

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

  Commentary:
  "Remember folks, kindness pays off! 🌟 You never know when your good deed might lead to a VIP dip in a jacuzzi! 💦 So, spread those good vibes and keep your eyes peeled for the next potential jacuzzi owner! 🛁😄 #KindnessIsKey"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: I can’t do the splits. But so far there has never been a situation where I’ve thought, “I should do the splits now.”

  Commentary:
  "Trying to do the splits is a surefire way to split your pants! 🩰😂 Who needs flexibility when you've got wit and charm to get you out of any splits-worthy situation? 💁‍♂️ #Unsplitsable"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.

  Commentary:
  "Talk about taking 'rest in peace' to a whole new level! 😅💀 Sounds like this person wasn't just checking the obituaries, they were checking them off their hit list! 🎯😂 #Savage"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: “This too shall pass.” And then some other bullshit will come and take its place. It never f**king ends.

  Commentary:
  "Well, isn't that just life's special way of saying surprise, surprise! 🙃 Just when you think you've got it all figured out, here comes another plot twist ready to stir things up! 🌪️ Hang in there, the merry-go-round of nonsense keeps spinning! 🎠 #LifeIsAJoke"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: Never share a secret with a clock. Because time will tell.

  Commentary:
  "Never trust a clock with your juicy secrets – they're busy telling time, not keeping mum! ⏰🤫 #TickTockSnitch"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: You’re never alone. There’s mold.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs friends when you have mold, am I right? 🤣🍄 It will always be there to keep you company, silently judging your snack choices and flourishing in the damp corners of your life. #FungusFriendsForever"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: If my son ever came out as gay, I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice.

  Commentary:
  "Oh, you mean I missed out on a personal stylist this whole time?! 😂👗🌈 #ParentingPriorities"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: I feel sorry for Netflix era kids. They will never know the high stakes adrenaline of running away in an ad break, with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming “It’s ON!” to send you hurdling over furniture to get back in time.

  Commentary:
  Oh, the thrill of sibling rivalry and the sprinting skills developed during ad breaks – lost on the Netflix generation! 🏃‍♂️💨 They'll never understand the heart-pounding excitement of dodging furniture on a mission to claim your spot in front of the TV before the show resumes. A unique form of childhood cardio that deserves a comeback! 📺🛋️ #ThrowbackTVMoments

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Steve, he has never been questioned”

  Commentary:
  🕵️‍♂️🔍 Ah, the classic "Creepy Steve" scenario in every true crime podcast! It's like a game of Clue where the suspect's name is practically screaming "Guilty!" from the get-go. But hey, at least we can always rely on the community to have a unanimously agreed-upon nickname for the potential suspect, right? "Creepy Steve" strikes again! 🔎🚨

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: If someone ghosts you, respect the dead and never disturb them again.

  Commentary:
  "Remember, even in the spooky world of dating ghosts, always show some respect 👻🚫 Unless you're into haunting relationships, then go ahead and send a ghostly 'Boo!' 🎃😄 Just keep it ghostly chic, darling! 💁‍♂️💀"

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