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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6 this month

15,831 funny quotes and pics

17,824 funny quotes topics

Updated: Jun 2, 2026

 

 

 

 

 

462 Funny never quotes

Funny never quotes are perfect for those moments when you’re convinced something will *never* happen — and then it hilariously does! 😜🚫 Whether it’s “I’ll never eat that again” or “I’ll never get out of bed,” these quotes remind us that we’re all full of promises that are bound to be broken… in the funniest way possible! 😂⏳🙄

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Yeah, because I won’t be leaving my bed.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Today’s youth will never experience the pain of spending all their pocket money on a music album. Because of ONE good song!

Posted onMay 21, 2026

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

The Pope is the only employee who never gets to see his boss. Not even at the Christmas party.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I’ll never understand why the volume in movies is always mixed in such a way that you can barely understand the dialog and your neighbor gets war flashbacks during action scenes.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons. They just take your money and run.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I wonder how much this “Never mind, it’s only 10 bucks” has already cost me?

Posted onMay 21, 2026

“So if I had kids, my kids would never…” Spoiler: Yes, they would.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a checkout line before in their life.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Want to lose weight for the summer? Don’t worry, just check in your luggage at the airport. You’ll never see those pounds again.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I never wanted to become one of those adults who just find the music of the younger generation annoying. Nobody could have guessed that the music was just annoying.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Relationship rule: If the woman has told something and the man doesn’t remember, the man hasn’t listened. If the man has told something and the woman doesn’t remember, the man has never told it.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Never cry at the weekend. Cry at work, at least then you’ll get paid for it.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Diet tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I probably never die because I don’t finish anything without a specific deadline.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Anyone who thinks office jobs are harmless has never cut their finger on paper.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If you’ve never had a cheeseburger change your mood, you’ve never had a cheeseburger.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

“Why does my back always hurt?”, I say, while never sitting upright in a chair.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Considering that doctors are never on time, they should tell you to come a half hour late, not early.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I’ve never met a problem I couldn’t make worse.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I could never be in the mafia, those guys stay up way to late.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Never underestimate my desire at any given moment to go home.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

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