Funny quotes past

36 Funny past quotes

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

1 month ago

Being single past 30 is like playing hide and seek, except no one is looking for you.

1 month ago

I’m staying up past midnight this New Year’s eve. Not to welcome the new year, but to make sure this one is over.

1 month ago

I’m so thankful I had a childhood before technology took over.

1 month ago

I bet aliens lock their door when they go past earth.

1 month ago

I dunno what I did in a past life but holy crap I’m sorry.

2 months ago

What doesn’t kill you will text you in 5 months to ask “What are you doing?”

3 months ago

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

3 months ago

Just accidentally closed a tab I’ve had been meaning to read for the past 2 years.

3 months ago

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally, I would have known you in a past life.

3 months ago

Sorry to any bands who see me yawn during their show. It’s not you, it’s just past 10pm.

3 months ago

Having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. Like, imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head.

3 months ago

Don’t tell me that everything was better in the past. I was there.

3 months ago

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

3 months ago

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

3 months ago

‘Sex with your ex’ is so stupid. If you want to dwell on the past, you can just buy a history book.

3 months ago

Coworker: Hey, circling back on that thing we talked about in December. Me: Stop living in the past!

3 months ago

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologize to me immediately.

3 months ago

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.

3 months ago

I’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. The sun will go down and I’ll be like: “Wow… remember when the sun was up… I miss who I was then”

3 months ago

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

3 months ago

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

3 months ago

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

3 months ago

My running speed is very slow because the Discman wasn’t allowed to shake in the past.

3 months ago

I’ve left my past behind me, so if I owe you money, sorry, I’ve left it behind me.

3 months ago

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past couple years, and I was not expecting that.

3 months ago

When the past calls, don’t answer it. It has nothing new to tell you.

3 months ago

I sometimes have the desire to meet certain people again for the first time. Only to simply walk past them.

3 months ago

That moment when a zombie out for brains walks past you.

3 months ago

I’m ready for a new relationship. My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

3 months ago