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160 Funny things quotes

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They say the best things take time. That’s why I’m always late.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My mother still has some really ugly things from the 90s. My older brother, for example.
Two of the best things in life are laughing and orgasms. I want to make you do both a lot.
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

More funny things quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and the batteries for the remote.

Commentary:
"Gun violence? Nah, I'm more of a 'reload my pill caddy and remote batteries' kind of person. Stay loaded, but in a different way! 💊🔋😅"
5 months ago
Share →: Due to unfortunate circumstances, things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious.

Commentary:
"Looks like the fergalicious and bootylicious era has come to an unexpected end! 🤷‍♀️ Who knew the unfortunate circumstances would deprive us of such iconic words? 🍑 Let's hope a new era of fabulousness emerges soon! 💁‍♂️✨"
5 months ago
Share →: Stop normalizing things, we’ll run out of the weird shit.

Commentary:
"Let's keep things weird and wonderful, folks! 🤪 Embrace the quirkiness and let the bizarre flag fly high! 🚩 Normal is overrated anyway, we've got plenty of that already. 😜 #EmbraceTheWeirdness"
5 months ago
Share →: One of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through.

Commentary:
Isn't it truly miraculous how the universe aligned just right for basketball hoops and basketballs to have a match made in heaven? 🏀🕳️ It's like the cosmos said, "Let there be dunks and three-pointers!" 🌌👌 Truly a slam-dunk of cosmic proportions! 🌠🤣
5 months ago
Share →: I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Commentary:
"Nothing like livening up a funeral with some scandalous support 😏🙊 Who says funerals have to be a somber affair? Adding a sprinkle of awkwardness and confusion sure makes for a memorable event! 🌶️ #BreakingFuneralEtiquette"
5 months ago
Share →: You ran a half marathon? That’s really cool, I’ve almost finished a bunch of things, too.

Commentary:
Oh, running a half marathon? That's impressive! 🏃‍♂️💨 Meanwhile, me? Well, I've almost finished a bunch of things too… like binge-watching Netflix series and mastering the art of procrastination! 😂 Keep up the great work though, you're lapping us all in the race of life!
5 months ago
Share →: “Well, at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination.

Commentary:
Oh, the classic "famous last words" strikes again! 🙈😂 It's like tempting fate and then fate saying, "Hold my drink." Life really has a way of keeping us on our toes, doesn't it? 🤷‍♂️🌪️ Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, it hands you a shovel and says, "Keep digging!" 😅 #FailureOfImagination
5 months ago
Share →: Being single allows you to do a lot of things. For example, standing naked in the kitchen at night and eating cold pizza.

Commentary:
"Ah, the glamorous perks of being single – the freedom to have midnight pizza parties in the kitchen while embracing your true chef attire! 🍕🌙 Who needs fancy dinners when you have cold pizza and the joy of uninterrupted nudity at home? Single life: where every night is a pizza party for one! 🎉🕺"
5 months ago
Share →: Grandparents are there to help the kids get into trouble and teach them stupid things they wouldn’t think of on their own.

Commentary:
"Grandparents: the masterminds behind the chaos, the architects of mischief, the professors of shenanigans! 😂👴🏼👵🏼 They're like the original influencers, except instead of trendy dance moves, they teach you how to tie shoelaces together and blame it on the cat. 😜🐱 Embrace the wisdom, embrace the chaos! 🙌 #GrandparentLife"
5 months ago
Share →: You should tell different people completely different things about yourself so that they then get into arguments when gossiping about you.

Commentary:
"Ah, the art of creating chaos through strategic gossip fodder! 😏 Mixing it up like a cocktail of conflicting information, watch the drama unfold as your friends play a high-stakes game of 'He said, she said!' 🍹🔥 Just remember to grab some popcorn and enjoy the show! 🍿😂"