Funny quotes wit

161 Funny wit quotes

We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, “I’ve decided I want to be cremated.” I said, “Alright, get your coat.”

4 days ago

I don’t abuse substances. I cherish and nurture them.

1 week ago

Those eyes ain’t gonna roll itself, let me help you.

2 weeks ago

Why can’t more dumb people be shy?

2 weeks ago

We should put a tariff on being mean to me.

2 weeks ago

Your email finds me deeply unwell. Teetering on the edge really.

2 weeks ago

I have the sex drive of a potato.

3 weeks ago

Lately I have the attention span of wait what?

1 month ago

Good morning, dickhead, your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.

1 month ago

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

1 month ago

I’m addicted to placebos.

1 month ago

My level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.

1 month ago

I end all my sentences with “Just saying..” because ending them with “You bonehead..” would probably be considered offensive.

1 month ago

I would go out of my mind, but I can’t find the exit.

1 month ago

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

1 month ago

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

1 month ago

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

1 month ago

I don’t have a nervous system, I am a nervous system.

1 month ago

I’m not athletic, but I’m good at jumping to conclusions.

1 month ago

No, no, I’m listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.

1 month ago