If I was an elephant, you’d all be sorry.

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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

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Cigarettes are a better networking tool than LinkedIn could ever dream of being.

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Thank God my pets can’t talk. They simply know too much.

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People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

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The only running I do is to chase the ice cream truck.

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I am stoned and laying in bed reading, and the idea of Santa going on Ozempic popped into my head, and I whispered, “No!”

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Curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.