If I’m not spoken to, my morning grumpiness goes almost unnoticed.

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After all the books are banned, they’ll move on to suggestive fruit.

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I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive, I might as well go to therapy.

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My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now, when she’s mad at me, I just say, “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

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I wish pets lived longer, and life wasn’t so expensive, and cake didn’t make you fat, and people weren’t twats.

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Balloons are so weird. “Happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath.”

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Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.

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You know it’s bad when people start telling you that you are the strongest person they’ve ever met.

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Accidentally made eye contact with the sweets at the grocery store and now have to declare bankruptcy.

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Prime numbers are so cunty. Like okay, diva — only divisible by yourself?

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Make sure you stock up on condoms, so you don’t produce any more idiots.