My mother told me there is a girl for me in every corner of the earth, but unfortunately the earth is round.

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I’m capable of doing a lot of things but listening to people chew their food is not one of them.

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One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re excited about your organized fridge.

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Finally my winter fat has gone. I now have spring rolls.

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When I bark at a dog, I always worry that I might have inadvertently said something wrong.

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Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it can make you hotter than your enemies.

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Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

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The worst part about working from home is that your real husband is also your work husband.

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No Botox. I need to furrow my brow when people say dumb things.

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Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead.

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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.