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5,000+ funny quotes

I don’t mean to say that I drink a lot of coffee, but Colombian farmers have a photo of me in their wallets.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

My brain cells, skin cells and hair cells continue to die, but my fat cells seem to have an eternal life.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Funny Quotes October 9, 2024

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

Nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping.

Funny Quotes August 30, 2024

Naps are tricky. Either you wake up relaxed and refreshed, or you have a headache, a dry throat and no idea what year it is.

Funny Quotes November 20, 2023

Meds have done more for me than any man ever could.

Funny Quotes October 1, 2024

People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

Today’s book recommendation: “The Art of Silence” by the famous Chinese philosopher Shut-Up.

Funny Quotes May 15, 2024

Alexa, tell Roomba to get the spider.

Funny Quotes August 25, 2024

My rock bottom keeps refreshing.

Funny Quotes May 23, 2024

The first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety, they just turn you into a normal person.

Funny Quotes June 29, 2024

Got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, Scotty” a few too many times.

Funny Quotes November 3, 2023

The light at the end of the tunnel is only the headlight of the oncoming train.

Funny Quotes August 9, 2024

I used to look for monsters under the bed. Today I know they are behind some people’s fake smiles.

Funny Quotes May 21, 2024