Wordgag ツ

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby.

I am simply too intelligent to be happy.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric. Here, there, and everywhere.

I usually decompose after work rather than decompress.

I feel sorry for Netflix era kids. They will never know the high stakes adrenaline of running away in an ad break, with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming “It’s ON!” to send you hurdling over furniture to get back in time.

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I think one quality that makes me incredibly attractive is that I keep my mouth shut when I have nothing to say.