TOPEKA—According to relationship experts, the most common Valentine’s Day gift among ex-couples this year is ‘trust issues,’ leaving chocolate and flowers in the dust. “It’s the gift that keeps on giving,” said psychologist Dr. Lynn Hart. “And it’s calorie-free!”
The study, titled “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Paranoid,” has found that ex-partners now consider psychological scars a gesture of commitment. “He claimed to give me everything,” chuckled local resident Emily Tan, “including the sense that he’s hiding something in plain sight.”
Interviews with recent gift-givers revealed a stunning embrace of this trend. “There’s no receipt, but the returns policy is impeccable,” said one anonymous ex-partner. Experts suggest recipients invest in therapy or consider re-gifting their trust issues at the next available opportunity. Events like this are expected to stimulate the self-help book industry.