The art of today’s art is to persuade people that it’s art.

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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth.

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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

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I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “You only live once.”

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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice.

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“Oh, I’d love to but I can’t.” Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake.

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The most embarrassing thing in the world is when you make a fool of yourself in front of a baby and it doesn’t laugh.

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A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.

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Everyone knows that Christmas is the celebration of the immaculate conception of Mariah Carey.

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Only mosquitoes find me attractive. Nobody else.