If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice.

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I did some soul searching last night. I’m happy to report I still have one.

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I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why Eggs Benedict is $23

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There should be a zoo that has people from every country in it.

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When someone asks me if my twins are natural, I tell them no they’re robots.

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Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track.

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The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

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Proposing at someone else’s wedding is out. Die at their funeral like a real man.

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I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much).

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Welcome to adulthood: you’re not dying, it’s just Thursday.

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When I watch hockey, I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.