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My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.

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Tourists love to think that they are not like other tourists.

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Nothing really prepares you for when your favorite sweatpants begin to fall apart.

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Why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast? It’s just an onion man, why don’t you relax?

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Me pulling into a full parking lot: Don’t these people have homes?

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Girls won’t admit it, but they don’t like super fine dudes; they like medium ugly, funny dudes that dress nice.

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My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline.